proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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