so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
