I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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