What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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