we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
