You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
