So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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