New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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