Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
