yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
