Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
