Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My ATM looks so different sober.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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