I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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