You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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