So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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