Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
