hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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