mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
