Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
