I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Randomize
