Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
