Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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