my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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