Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
