I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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