but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
