Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
