I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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