Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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