I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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