Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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