Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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