my phone needs a breathalizer
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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