stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
