I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
