In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
