no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
