Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
