I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
