Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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