I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
