dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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