i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
