Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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