i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
