Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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