someone threw a dead crab at me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
