Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
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