If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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