I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
