Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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