Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
