my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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