oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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