apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
