I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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