i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
