Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
