I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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