Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
